Divan Mansonz

 Divan Mansonz

 

Nou ti santi kiksoz ki'nn sanze sa gramatin-la. Enn freser ki'nn atrap nou lakaz. Nou lasam ti glase. Molton inn perdi so lepeser ek so valer. Pous lipie kouma glason. Mem dra ti fer gagn frison. Kiksoz inn sanze. Li'nn pase kouma enn koud-van. Balye tou lor so pasaz, lev tou lapousier e an mem tan tir tou saler. Nou pann kapav predir, li'nn aparet enn kou. Enn sanzman latmosfer, ki fer nou oblize met kouvertir e azout lepeser. Protez nou e an mem-tan, izol nou-mem.

 

Kan freser trape, li kre sanzman dan lekor. Larm dan lizie roule san ki konpran. Lizie vinn rouz, nene koule, lagorz fer mal, mank respirasion, lekor reye kouma dir inn gagn bate. Kan freser trape nou nepli nou-mem. Nou santi nou agase parski nanye nepli parey. Nou lanvironman kot nou abitie evolie, li sanze.

 

Soley deor pe briye, mo ankor pe asize lor bor lili e mo mazinn kouma pandan lanwit, divan ti pe palabre deor, kouma li ti pe fer fraka. Kouma li'nn kas mo somey sak fwa ki li vinn dan kwin lafenet pou rakont seki pe pase. So zistwar ranpli ar mesanste. Li ena enn move maniyer pou vinn repet mem zafer. Li agasan, li etoufan, twa divan to briy lespri, to amenn tourman.

 

Mo koud lor zenou, mo de lame tini mo latet. Enn bar lor fron pe fatig mwa. Mo santi ki mo konzesione. Febles pe pran plas. Mo lavi nepli pou mwa. Pa anvi fer nanye. Dan mo leta mo krwar zordi mo plonze. Sali glase pe dir pa marse. Res lor lili, pa tous mwa. Gard to distans! Dayer twesi tonn dir, “pa tous mwa, gard to distans...”. Freser fer ki tou gripe e distans kre.

 

Avan mo leve, mo get nou lili. Lespas ankor so, yer sakenn inn pran so kwin san deranz lot. Ironikman, pena bel mouvman. Normalman freser rapros dimoun, rod saler, partaz enn kontak, me la non. Enn dezer blan imakile ki dra-la pe done. Li fi'nn temwin enn krim. Kot disan pann koule. Enn krim kinn toufe. Enn krim kot lam fite pers leker e amenn enn gou amer, enn krim ki ramenn freser.

 

Mo ankor santi pwint pwagnar-la lor mo leker. Lam-la glase. Mem si li an kontak ek mo lapo, sa pa ed pou rann li so. Mo ankor santi so prezans. Pir, mo santi to labsans, e sa, malgre ki to ankor la. Tou otour mwa inn sanze, saler abitiel inn anvole inn ale. Saler les plas enn vid, enn lespas fre. Monn resanti li dan to regar, kan avek koler to apiy lor pwagnar pou fer li tous mo leker. Linn amenn enn douler ki zame mo pa pou bliye.

 

Mo ti krwar nou lavi ti pou toultan ranpli ar lalimiyer ek saler. Dayer zot tou otour nou dir, “zot al bien ansam, kouma zot fer pou res soude? explik nou!”. Me zame mo ti pou krwar ki koneksion ki ena ant nou de enn zour pou disipe. Ki nou lavi perdi saver. Ki divan pou vinn rakont dan kwin to zorey tou palab ki linn trape dan kat-kwin sime. Tou sa bann parol ki monte, melanze, deforme, remodle, pou vinn ponn dan zorey. Mo ti espere ki li ti zis pou enn moman, enn instantane.

 

Divan napa ena form, li fofil partou e kraz bann miray, ki souvan inn pran boukou letan pou konstrir. Seki pli difisil seki li rantr par mwind tip-ti ouvertir ki ena e souvan se par la ki li fer plis dezord e tapaz. Linn reisi rant dan nou relasion, linn avegle nou pou enn moman. Lerla ki nou realize ki nou ena bann fay. Parski kan nou avegle, nou galoup dan tou kote. Nou pa pran letan ekoute. Kriye, akize e blese, sel defans ki nou ena. Konfians sakrifie lor potans. Nou lennmi inn dans ar nou e finalman, inn zet nou a-ter, trenn nou lamour a-ter.

 

Divan mansonz pena sezon. Kan li desid pou soufle, li kraz partou kote. So manier bien sournwa, li pran nou an tret. Li soufle avek pwisans, li destabiliz nou, fer nou sorti lor nou sime. Nou’nn pann trouv li vini sirtou ki nou’nn bes nou lagard. Divan mansonz inn zwe ar nou vizilans. Li finn get nou dan fon nou lizie ziska konn febles nou leker. Li'nn vinn rakonte ki ena lespas dan mo leker pou enn lot ki twa. So mirmir inn konn sem dout dan lespri.

 

Mo get mwa dan laglas. Mo figir boufi, mo lizie serne e bann rid bien marke inn pran plas. Mark ki lese kan nou pas enn lanwit dan tirayman. Mo get mwa dan laglas, to abitie a mo kote, dan to plas. Me zordi to pa la. Dan enn reflex mo get lot kote. Zis to ledo mo trouve ler to sorti dan lasam to ale. Nou lasam perdi valer, nou bastion inn kraze. Dan enn lelan dezespere mo fer enn pa ver twa. Dan mo latet bann mo rezone: "kot to pe ale? Reste, nou bizin koze!" Me nanie pa sorti par mo labous. Mo retrouv twa dan bout koulwar avan to desann leskalie. To aret lor premie mars, to regar fixe lor lafenet ki soley pe inond ek so lalimier. 

 

Dan sa koulwar ki separ nou, enn ler fre kontign zwe. To latet tourn dan mo direksion e to regar poz lor mwa. Mo santi enn boulversman dan mwa. Enn santiman linzistis parski nou pa merit seki pe arive. Nou pa bizin sa kalite sekous-la. Tou sa-la akoz enn simp koze, enn insertitid ki base lor vizion lezot, zot apresiasion enn moman. Zot zizman, san konn laverite. Vinn marmouse dan kwin zorey, vinn fann foss nouvel, vinn kass enn relasion fizionel.

 

Mo douler se mazinn seki tonn viv kan tonn tann tou sa. Dout ki ti-ena dan to latet. Sa konba ki tonn ena, ant konpran kifer, krwar seki pe rakonte, efas sa bann dout-la. Pir ankor, sa moman kot to desid pou afront enn verite, ki fos, kot to lam-ser pe trayir to lamour. Kot to lamour fiziye akoz tantasion. Mo mazinn sa siklonn ki pas dan to leker e devir baz mem to lamour. Mo pa konpran kouma bann-la inn vinn fer twa soufer. Mo esey konpran kifer? Ki zot rol? Ki zot lintere la-dan? Zalouzi? Lanvi? Mo pa konpran kouma zot vinn fer nou soufer.

 

Lakoler ki ti anim mwa yer swar koumans refer sirfas. Mo santi mo likou bwi. Enn toner pe gronye dan mwa. Mo santi mo pou sap lor kal. "explik mwa! Ki fer tonn krwar enn bann insinifians parey, enn bann gonaz, to pa krwar seki mo dir twa, me to oule krwar seki dimoun ki andeor to lakaz, ki pa konpran seki to pe viv dan fon to-mem, vinn detourn tou avek bann inpresion...". Mo kouma enn avoka ki pe defann so ka avek zis enn sel argiman ki lakizision vinn defie par bann foste. Mo sel largiman se mo fidelite, lor ki zot inn vinn kras zot venin.

 

"Ekout mo lam ki pe kriye, zot inn bous so lizie, atas so de lame, trenn li lor sime, akiz li de tou nom, poz lor li bann fos akizion, e pourtan li res la divan twa pou dir ki li ankor ena lamour pou twa, ki li pa konpran kifer li pe bizin sarye enn pwa ki pa pou li. Me si li bizin sarye li ziska la fin pou demontre kouma laverite pou eklate o gran zour, li pou fer li. O nom lamour"

 

Mo esey ratrap twa dan bann mars leskalie. Mo pledwaye ankor ena de-trwa mo reste. "Trap mo lame, get mwa dan mo lizie, se mo leker ki pe koze. Ekout mwa. Monn donn twa tou seki mwete. Mo lavi li pou twa. Alor ki fer to pa pe le krwar? Ki fer to pe bizin tourn to ledo ar mwa?" Dan mo demars rezwenn twa, enn lepeser invizib anpes mwa koste.

 

"Atann...pa kit mwa koumsa...donn nou enn letan pou konpran...donn nou enn sans pou revinn enn. To lanprint ankor lor mo leker. Kouma to kapav tourn to ledo? Lahont tro dir pou get li an fas? Get mwa...pa les mwa tousel. San twa mo nepli ena nanien. San twa mo vid. Reponn mwa!". Me silans se sel repons ki mo gagne alor ki mo get twa mars an deor nou lakaz to ale. Lor pwint lipie.

 

Sa parkour-la mo reviv li tou lezour kan mo leve. Zame mo tia krwar ki mansonz kapav kre dega. Nou dir toultan se lezot ki viv sa, pa mwa. Zordi akoz enn mansonz, mo lamour inn perdi lavi, linn tir so lavi. Laont ronz andan kouma enn lagel enn bebet ki ena mil ledan fite kouma razwar. Kot linn trape li pa large. Li bwar tou disan ki ena. Li devor  bout par bout lavi ki ena dan nou. Li devor nou lam ziska perdi ki nou perdi pie. Li fini nou ziska ki nou anvi fini ek nou mem. Ziska pous lipie, impe pli lao ki later pwint anba. 

 

Tou lezour mo viv to depar. Tou lezour mo kouma lor sa lamer kalm ki inkiet mwa, parski mo pa konn so profonder e mo kone si loraz kraze, bann vag imens ki pou roule. Mo mazinn mo linpwisans. Dilo la rod nway mwa dan so toubiyon. Mo santi lesouf pe kit mwa a sak fwa. Mo viv sa lamor enn parti mo mem, mo revi to lamor. Mo pa kapav pardone, ni pardonn mo mem. Divan mansonz kontign soufle dan lakaz. Li dir mwa bizin repran gou, bizin reviv, bizin eseye, parski mo ankor an vi. Malerezman, sa, li manti...mo nepli...